Twin Conflict: Tween Edition

Eye Rolls Enter the Chat

Ah, the tween years. That magical stage where your twins are still technically children, but their emotional lives now include opinions, alliances, and detectable sarcasm. The days of fighting over one stuffed animal are gone. Now it’s about who gets the bathroom mirror, who told the story “wrong,” and who copied whose idea. (But that old standby did you take my stuff? remains.)

Their bond is still deep, but now that depth comes with complicated layers. They are figuring out who they are as individuals, while also having a built-in mirror who is always right there. They’re sharing their lives with their closest friend, emotional rival, personal historian, and fact-checker—24/7. Exhausting for them. And you.

The big difference between toddler conflict and tween conflict? Tweens remember things now. They take mental notes and make assumptions about intent. They have thoughts about fairness, identity, privacy, and dignity. And they are analyzing your parenting choices from their own point of view.

So when the disagreements come, your job shifts from referee to relationship coach. You’re helping them learn how to express needs, hold boundaries, and not absolutely demolish each other with their words.

Try these approaches when the tween tension starts to simmer:

1. Validate First, Fix Later 

They want to be heard, not solved. Just like with your toddlers, you’re projecting a calm, open emotional climate. 

“They took your sweater without asking. I get why that feels frustrating.” 

Stay here for a beat. Not ten sentences—just presence.

2. Name the Real Issue 

Most tween arguments are about autonomy or identity, not clothes or who gets to sit where. 

Try: “It sounds like you want more control over your things.” “It seems like you feel overshadowed when your brother speaks for both of you.”

Sometimes the surface fight is just the wrapping.

3. Encourage Direct (Kind) Communication 

Teach them to speak to each other, not through you. 

“Tell your sister what you need.” 

“Tell your brother what felt hurtful.” 

If you become the middleman, this dynamic will haunt you forever. It is too easy to get pegged as taking sides.

4. Set Shared Principles, Not Minute Rules 

Instead of micromanaging: 

“We respect each other’s belongings.” 

“We give each other space to be ourselves.” 

These hold up across ages, friends, and life phases.

5. Give Them Individual Time

Alone time with you, with friends, with activities. Not everything needs to be shared. Honestly, at this age? Not everything should be shared.

6. Support Their Separate Identities

When one wants theater and the other wants basketball, fantastic. Celebrate divergence. It’s not a breakup, it’s growth.

Reality Check: It will feel like they have not heard a word you have said. They’ll either overtly ignore or dismiss you, or they’ll nod along with what you say and go off to repeat the same behavior. Just like with your toddlers, set the emotional climate by staying calm and focused on the big picture. They’re beginning to test boundaries, and it may be the case that some boundaries do need to change. But they also want the comfort of knowing that you are a steady, loving presence. Even when you’re frustrated, too. 

The tween years can feel like watching two butterflies try to emerge from the same chrysalis at the same time. It’s awkward, emotional, and occasionally dramatic enough to deserve its own soundtrack. But it’s also the beginning of something beautiful: two distinct people learning how to stay close without being the same. Be calm, be steady, and remember, you are raising lifelong partners in each other’s lives. And you’re doing it really, truly well.