Twin Conflict: Toddler Edition

Tiny tyrants with big feelings.

Lurking in the serene confines of your nursery are all the ingredients for blood sport. It could be one coveted stuffie–-never mind if there is another EXACTLY like it–-or a single adult lap to sit in (horror!). Suddenly, two toddlers, previously coexisting like polite strangers at a bus stop, snap like a teething cracker.

Your twins have the most intense relationship of their lives with each other. They are entirely different people but they also occupy each other’s entire world. Every experience is shared, encouraged, echoed. One toddler gets the brilliant idea to dump every single toy out of the basket? The other is already halfway to the rollout. And yes, for reasons as yet unexplained, this is hysterically funny to both of them. 

But the same closeness that fuels their synchronized mischief also fuels their conflicts. When they want something–the book, the cup, your lap–it becomes the most important object in the known universe. No logic. No reasoning. Just pure, primal WANT. And the frustration with not being able to express that want (or reach that want, or hold that want in their chubby little hands) can spark the bite-slap-scream sequence.

The upside is toddlers are never actually mad at anyone. They are not holding grudges. They are not plotting. They are overwhelmed with deep, deep frustration. They are little warriors fighting to thrive in a world where they cannot make their own food or reach any of the cool stuff without help. They have wants and needs (which eventually grow to include opinions) but no language or independence to express them.

So, what do you do when frustration hits and your twin toddlers start to clash? Try these strategies:

1. You Set the Emotional Climate 

No matter how dramatic things get, you have the most stable nervous system in the room (even if that feels like a lie). Stay calm. Be steady. If you model “this is manageable,” they will follow. Or at least not escalate further.

2. Keep It Firm, Consistent And Clear

Short, clear phrases work best. And while they may not hold grudges at this age, they definitely notice behavior patterns and start developing a sense of fairness around 12 months. So it is never too early as a parent to be clear with yourself why you are taking a particular position so the broader approach is consistently applied. Because two interested parties are taking notes.

3. Wait It Out

This one is hard because we always want to help, especially when situations appear very simple in our eyes. But twin fights at this age are often short-lived because attention spans are short. Give it a moment. You may be surprised how quickly the storm passes.

4. Establish Your Sharing Policy 

Unlike singletons or siblings of different ages, twins never have a time when all the cool stuff is only for one of them, so pick your approach to sharing early and stick with it. Are you a “you keep it until you’re done” house? Or a “timer for five minutes and then it's someone else’s turn” house? Whichever you choose, consistency is the real magic.

5. Distraction is Not Cheating

If redirecting their attention prevents someone from being clawed by a miniature velociraptor, that is called effective parenting. Offer another toy, a different activity, or just start making weird animal noises. Truly, whatever works.

6. Try Baby Sign Language 

You can start modeling signs like milk, more, water, tired, finished, and play from birth. They might not sign back until 8–10 months, but when they do? Some of those “I CAN’T TELL YOU WHAT I WANT” meltdowns vanish instantly. Worth it.

Reality Check: Sometimes you will lose your temper, or some external factor (time pressure, travel, hunger, change of routine) will derail all your good intentions. That is ok! It doesn’t have to be perfect every time to be right. Your parenting job is more demanding than the average. Modeling your ability to regroup and get back on track, or to recover and reflect later are equally valuable lessons.

Remember, your twins are learning how to be people in real time, right in front of you. The biting, grabbing, shrieking—it’s all part of figuring out how to communicate, share space, and exist in community. You’re their guide, not their referee even though it sometimes feels like you’re officiating a WWE match at 7:30 a.m. Stay steady, because honestly? You’re doing a great job.