Impostor Syndrome: The Co-Parent Nobody Asked For

“What days do your kids already have activities after school?”

I was asked this question – before school even started – by a parent organizing a new after school activity. I froze. 

 “We have sports and music lessons to schedule around, but I will do my best to find a day that works for everyone!” she continued.

Why did I freeze? Not because I didn’t know the answer. I wasn't sure if it was the right answer. In a competitive environment where coding class starts in first grade and sports are serious by third, my answer to this question was “nothing”. Leaving afternoons open feels almost radical and, as we start a new school, I wasn't sure how that would land. 

Impostor syndrome – that question of whether you’re “doing it right” – doesn’t just show up at the office. In parenting, it starts with birth plans (I didn’t have one) breastmilk vs. formula (I did both) and continues through every stage: potty training, enrichment classes, screentime policies, sports, summer activities. The decisions are endless, and the opportunities to compare and question yourself – or feel compared and questioned – are even greater. 

With twins, the stakes can seem even higher. Although they are in similar phases, their needs are distinct. You aim to concentrate on one at a time, yet both demand your attention equally. Judging yourself against others is bad enough, but a more insidious issue is judging yourself based on the kind of parent you think you are to one twin compared to the other. In this situation, there is no winner. This is when it's crucial to step back and remember that the overall picture is much more significant than any single moment.

The truth is, feeling like an imposter has a purpose. We live happier lives when we are connected with others through friendships, clubs, sports or work. In her book Impostor No More: Overcome Self-Doubt and Impostorism to Cultivate a Successful Career, Dr. Jill Stoddard describes how successfully living in groups means checking our status to see if we are adding value. Impostorism is part of that voice in the back of our minds asking if we are good neighbors and community members. But when it becomes too loud and pulls us away from our values, it is a problem. 

When my kids were little, we did all the things: tot gymnastics, story time, classes at the zoo – not to keep pace with others, but for my own sanity and connection. Over time, I’ve learned to balance what fills my cup with what works for them. What that doesn’t include is me waiting in a parking lot to pick them up from a different activity every night. Right now, as my twins adjust to a new school and maintain friendships outside it, what they need most is time – time to settle, time to play, time to just be.

So yes, our schedule is wide open and we will resist changing that for a while. Because for us, it is exactly the right answer.

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