The Anxious Twin Parent

I am, simultaneously, the best and worst person to be a twin parent. The best because I am super organized, thrive on creating (and adapting) systems, and am cool under pressure. The tarnished side of this shiny coin is I can be rigid and take on too much because I think if I have the capacity (thanks to my organization and systems) then I should use it. Stack these all up, put them in a trench coat and you’ll find how I cloak my anxiety with the illusion of control.

Before becoming pregnant, anxiety and I mostly successfully co-existed. It could be one of those messy roommates that would gradually leave her stuff all over my mental house. But I could take breaks and control my own life. Once I learned I was pregnant with twins, and then to the extreme once they were born, my coping mechanisms and control over my life were hindered and my anxiety roommate started following me around all day, distracting me with obnoxious stories, often fueled by self-questioning, unhelpful internet searches and insensitive comments by acquaintances and strangers alike.

This is not at all unusual - more women than men experience anxiety disorders and parents of multiples have been found to have higher incidences of anxiety, depression and stress (by one estimation, 69% experienced these symptoms after giving birth, compared to an overall prevalence of 20%). And no wonder. Some of the things that can make anxiety worse are hallmarks of parenthood and experienced to the extreme for parents of multiples: major life changes, uncertainty, stress, increased functional demands, lack of sleep, caffeine, poor diet, isolation. The upside is that parents reported the worst symptoms passing after the first three months, but some studies followed parents for up to five years.

After a relatively smooth pregnancy and delivery (for twins) I found whole new horizons for my anxiety. Take all the regular insecurities of a new parent: Are they eating/sleeping/pooping enough? Is [insert anything here] typical? Now multiply it by two. Add the additional monitoring for a preemie weight baby and subtract ½ of the minutes in a day the new mom of a singleton might get for mental, physical and emotional downtime. It is an intimidating equation.

My husband was able to take plenty of time off in the first two months, but had a heavy travel schedule those first couple of years - away one or two weeks almost every month. Some pro mom friends came to stay during those first trips, giving me the time to understand what I absolutely needed in order to stay on an even keel. After a decade – and many levels of intensity – it hasn't actually changed much. 

I’m going to share what I learned when I identified the non-negotiables and useful supports that help me manage my own anxiety, but please keep in mind this is my personal experience. Along the way, I have seen therapists, had candid conversations with my doctor, talked to friends and been in two truly amazing parenting groups that made a huge difference. My choices may not work for you, but I hope this framework will help.

The Non-negotiable

Things I absolutely need to function and will arrange anything to make happen

• Sleep: No surprise, yet I never truly appreciated the importance of sleep. Because I was alone while my husband traveled, we had a night nurse every night for the first three months and on alternating nights until they were four months old and sleeping long stretches reliably at night. Worth every penny. As a result, we didn't have extra cash laying around to eat out or, really, do much at all but it didn't really matter at that stage. Alcohol also became more disruptive to my sleep and more triggering for my anxiety over time so I stopped drinking. The tradeoff was not worth it to me. I have a high tolerance for my own discomfort, given I’m usually last in line when it comes to going to the doctor, physical therapist or, for a while, even eating. But the minute something is bad enough to interfere with my sleep, it jumps to the top of the priority list for the entire household.

• Shower: I must shower to wake up. I am an early bird, so I am ok giving up 20 minutes of sleep to have time for this before the day begins.

• Exercise: Without it, I eat and sleep worse, which has an outsize impact on my mental and emotional state. When the twins were small, I mostly brought them along or modified so it was something they could join (a friend gave me an awesome jogging stroller or we did kid-friendly yoga). Later, when I couldn’t consistently find classes that worked with my morning routine, I set up a home gym and have never looked back. Roll out of bed and do pilates in pj’s? I’m there.

• Time outside: No matter the weather, I need to get out of the house for fresh air every day.

Useful supports

• Structure for my day - A consistent eat, play, sleep structure for my infant twins allowed me to confidently plan my own outings, sign them up for classes, go to library story times or simply have an idea of when I could do laundry or go to the grocery store. I almost always walked when we left the house for any reason, so I could kill multiple birds with one stone by getting in a walk and some fresh air.

• A new mom’s group - In DC we have an organization called PACE offering an eight-week educational and emotional support group for cohorts of 12 new moms. These women have been the most amazing lifeline, source of advice and encouragement and are integral to my successful parenting to this very day. I also joined a national group with a local chapter for stay-at-home parents (my status for a few years), and there are many regional chapters of groups for parents of multiples. Look around, especially if you’re the more social type. These people will get you.

• Culling my social media feed - I want to stay informed but not be bombarded with triggering click-bait, a feed full of reminders of all the things I won’t be doing any time soon, or people telling me all the things I should be doing. I reset my algorithm to be more informative, soothing and fun.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that anxiety is normal. It is not a failure nor is it something to feel ashamed of. You’re doing a great job under challenging circumstances. Please talk to your partner, doctor, therapist, friends and do whatever it takes to make sure you feel your best for the circumstances.

Author’s Note: This post reflects my personal experiences and is shared for informational and storytelling purposes only. It is not intended as medical advice and should not replace guidance from a health care professional.